Emily's Smile

I've never seen anybody who smiles more than Emily does. To her, everything is a chance for joy. I asked her what her secret is and she just laughed, she said, "Jim, it's so simple! Everything is always getting better, so each second the world is a better place than it was. I just look forward to everything!"

"Everything?" I asked.

"Everything, Jim! When you see the world like that you don't believe in fear anymore, or sadness, or regret."

"That just sounds so hard to me, honey. Lately it seems like wherever I look the tears are right there under the surface, just barely covered."

She put her arm around my shoulder as we sat under the comforter. "I know, Jim, I can see it when I look into your eyes and it breaks my heart sometimes. I wish I could just reach in and pull it out of you. I remember when I felt like that, how sad and grey it was."

"How did you get out from under it, Em?"

She laughed and said, "Jim, I just died! Once I stepped outside of it all I could see how it all works, and it was so simple and so beautiful that I've been watching it ever since. Just the sight of it all moving forward makes me so happy I can't help but laugh."

She lay back on the bed and I laid my head on her breast. The silence still takes some getting used to, the quiet where experience tells you there should be a heartbeat, there should be the whisper of breathing. But there's so much comfort there!

After a few minutes I got up and put some soft music on, Sarah McLachlan. I climbed back in bed as Emily started to sing along. Emily has a gorgeous, clear alto voice and she loves to harmonize with Sarah, and Joan Osborne, and Katie Melua. I always kid her about how all her favorite music happened after she died, and she laughs and says that's why she stayed here, for the music. But if I put on something hard and fast and loud, like Meat Loaf, or The Hooters, look out, the girl can dance!

But tonight it's not about dancing fast or singing loud, it's about being quiet, and still, and together. It's about realizing we trust each other totally and completely. It's about floating on Long Island Sound together, letting the wind and the waves pick our course. It's about the sun on the hillside, and the grass so ready to live, or to die. And to be grateful for whichever one comes....