Bobthecat

I put Bobthecat to sleep on Wednesday. He'd been slipping for a couple of weeks, so I knew what was coming, but I was still trying hard not to see what was in front of me. Then on Sunday night he came and said his goodbyes to me.

Bob was never hyperaffectionate. He would love to lie next to you and get petted, but he never was one for being picked up or for sitting in a lap. But on Sunday night when I sat down at the computer he stood up from the corner by the air conditioner where he'd been spending most of his time and hopped over to the desk. He rubbed my hand with his face, marking me as his. I skritched him and petted him and he purred and rolled around like a kitten for about fifteen minutes, then he suddenly stood up and went back to his corner and curled up. It was the last time we played together; I'm pretty sure it was his way of saying goodbye.

When I woke up Monday morning he'd retreated to the space behind my desk, curled up under the shopping cart in the corner. I pulled him out and set him next to his breakfast, but he only ate a few bites and went back to sleep.

That was the way of things for the next few days. On Wednesday morning when I picked him up for breakfast he let out a pitiful cry. He wouldn't even look at his food, he just wanted to go back to his corner and be left alone.Bob has lived with me for almost eighteen years and I know his moods as well as I know my own.  I looked in his eyes and I could see he was begging me, "Please Daddy, I'm so tired. Can't I rest now?" Of course you can, Bob. I'm sorry it took me so long to get what you were asking....

I called Jane and asked to borrow her carrier. When she brought it down she took one look at me and offered to go with us. I'll never be able to thank her enough for that. Last year when Missy died it happened late on a Saturday night and the trip home from the hospital was the longest and loneliest I'd ever made.

We walked down to Vinegar Hill together, Bob in the carrier between us, talking about anything but what was going to happen. The day was late summer perfect, the sky achingly blue and clear, the sun so warm. I was glad Bob's last day on earth was such a beautiful one.

In the office Bob lay on a towel on the table in a cool, clean room after the doctor had examined him and explained our options and left us to discuss what we thought was best. Jane stroked his head and I put my hand on his shoulder while we talked, but there was really only one thing to do. Bob had had a great life, and it was time for me to perform one last kindness for him, the last one that's always the hardest one to do. I said to Jane that I knew it was the right thing, because doing it sucked. But I owed it to him, it was the last part of the promise I'd made to him, and to Missy and to Casey, when each one came to live with me. I promised them all that I'd do the best I could for them, give each of them the best life I knew how, and when the time came I'd do what I could to make the end of that life as easy as the end can be.

So Jane petted Bob's head and told him what a beautiful cat he was, and I held onto his shoulder and told him I loved him, while Dr. Neuman gave him first the valium shot that put him into a deep sleep, then the injection that stopped his heart and his breathing. He breathed out one last time and slipped out of his old tired pained body like the first soft breeze on a spring morning, into a better day.

I closed his eyes, and folded the towel over him even though he was no longer there, and that body on the table was just a beautifully still and silent reflection of the life it once held in it. Bobthecat, my gentle, playful, silly, loving chow hound of a cat, had already left the building. But even so, I patted his shoulder and whispered, "I'll see you later."

Jane and I walked back along Front Street holding hands, squinting in the bright afternoon sun, the empty carrier hanging weightless on my shoulder. The warmth of her hand in mine reminded me of life all around us, life still restless and always full of light and sound and feeling. When we got home Casey told us he wanted to go for his walk, now, and life had taken over again.

But later that evening I sat out on the front steps watching the stars and the clouds and enjoying the cool breeze, and I felt Bob's soul out there. He was dancing in the clouds,running and playing fast and easy, with no pain at all. He just wanted to let me know how good he was feeling. Then he was gone, and the night was just the night. And life was waiting, for me, for Casey, for Jane.

Just Another Tuesday

I saw a girl on the street today wearing a t shirt that said, "Friends Don't Let Friends Date Girls Like Me!" She caught me reading her shirt and laughed and told me, "Be forewarned!" So of course I said, "Hey, let's get something cold to drink and watch the sunset from the Promenade."

Later on that very same evening we were sitting on a bench by the railing, watching the sun climb down its ladder of clouds and steam, watching the shadows grow longer. I took a sip from my bottle of seltzer, she did the same from her bottle of absinthe. We looked at each other and said, "Yeah, good idea!" and mixed the two bottles together in one of our glasses, then shared it. Fizzy water mixed with the Green Goddess.

Finally the sun touched the horizon, just north of the Bayonne Bridge. You could actually feel a tiny drop in the heat. The breeze picked up the tiniest bit and we turned our faces gratefully to the west.

In a few minutes the stars came out, cool dry air on tired lips and cheeks.

Even The River Loves Emily

Some day soon I'll meet her at the bridge and we'll walk toward the city together, toward the skyline backlit by the setting sun. The wind will rise as we climb higher, I can't wait to watch it blow her hair.

And I'll hold her hand as we cross the creaking boards and the sunset glints off her glasses and lights her eyes with flecks of gold. And she'll dazzle me with that goofy smile of hers and hold my hand tighter when the bridge and the city fall away below us, when we climb that staircase made of air and wishes.

And all that I'll leave behind will mean nothing, it will all be someone else's problem then. And our real life will be all ahead of us, across the water and the sky.

After The Fireworks

Smoke covered the river til the water disappeared and it was a river of smoke, with grey tides running down to the harbor where all the water was gone and smoky waves rolled in grey silence. Smoke rose around the granite towers of the bridge leaving ghostly splashes on the stones. Up above the sky was rain and steam and startled purple clouds.

And we stood on the narrow path where they met, on wet cobblestones with our hands on the wet iron railing, water falling from above and smoke rising from below. And when we kissed I tasted the water and the smoke and your black lipstick, and the ozone and the gunpowder and the steam from the clouds.

And now you're lying sleeping on my bed, your purple satin dress drying by the air conditioner. You're wearing one of my t shirts, it reaches almost to your knees. Your hair is in a cute simple pony tail and there's the tiniest smile on your lips. I'll wait another while before I have to wake you to put you in a car service and send you home.

I wish you could stay all night.

The Third Night Of Summer

Emily is sitting on my bed eating a chocolate donut, we both ate quite a few of them tonight. The smile on her face is the best description of joy I've ever seen. She looks gorgeous tonight in a yellow crepe sun dress, elegant and languid. But there's a crumb of chocolate on her cheek that makes her look like the little kid raiding the cookie jar, it's so adorable. I know I should tell her it's there, but I think I'll enjoy it few minutes more.

We took a walk on the Promenade earlier tonight. The air was steamy and the heat lightning was flashing over the harbor. We had Casey with us, for some reason he's never afraid of the lightning when he's with the two of us.  I think he understands a lot more than he lets on....

I love watching the lights of the skyline reflected in Emily's dark brown eyes.

We took a walk down under the bridge to see the new artificial waterfall that's been erected there for the summer. It's right under the bridge on the cobblestone walkway that leads to the park, and it's about ten stories high and a hundred feet wide, pumping river water up to the top and dropping it in a cascade under colored flood lights. When Emily saw it she kicked her sandals off, took Casey's leash from my hand and ran with him into the spray blowing back onto the walkway. She danced and twirled and Casey spun around her and leaped on his hind legs like a puppy, the two of them kicking up rainbows in the puddles. After a few minutes her hair was hung with watery diamonds and her cheeks were wet with spray, and Casey was barking for the joy of it, his coat shining with silver drops of water. I took Emily in my arms and kissed her, tasted the spray on her lips and the sweat on her cheeks, while Casey spun around us, tangling his leash around our ankles.

Later we walked back up the hill like two angels from a black and white movie, with Casey as our guide. And now Emily is sitting on my bed while I write this, looking elegant and languid, except for that crumb of chocolate on her cheek. Casey had his dinner and is sleeping the sleep of the well-fed. Maybe I'll tell Em about the crumb, and maybe I won't. She looks so darn cute!

Nerd Girls

There was a nerd girl contestant on Jeopardy tonight, she was adorable. Short straight hair, horn rimmed glasses, looking both shy and brave at the same time. Standard Hollywood beauties don't really do anything for me, but I totally cannot resist a nerd girl.

Partly it's the glasses, I love glasses on a woman. Most of the women I know who wear glasses look far cuter with them than without them. But mostly it's the attitude. It's knowing she isn't the goddess, but being brave enough to be the woman. Nerd girls have heart, and guts and hope, and I'd rather know a girl like that than one with perfect tits any day of the week. Hell, when it comes down to it, nerd girls aren't just my drool objects, they're my heroines.

Emily is a nerd girl. I saw it the day I met her, the tortoise shell glasses, the pony tail, the smile that's scared to death and hopeful all at the same time. Some part of me started to fall for her on the way down the hillside, when I still thought she was just an ordinary girl. Wow, that word so does not apply to her!

 

Blame It On The Moon

The full moon looks so soft tonight, gently blurred by clouds and fog. The street is quiet, the fog muffling the sound of your boot heels as we take Casey for his last walk of the night. Your black dress is shimmering with droplets of fog and dew, and when you're backlit by the street light your hair is shining with a million little prisms of rainy light. I pull you closer to me and kiss you, and I taste the fog on your lips. I love the way you stand on tiptoes and wrap your arms around my neck!

And now I've sent you home in a car service, and it's so quiet in here again. You just left a few minutes ago, and already I miss you.