Emily's Smile

I've never seen anybody who smiles more than Emily does. To her, everything is a chance for joy. I asked her what her secret is and she just laughed, she said, "Jim, it's so simple! Everything is always getting better, so each second the world is a better place than it was. I just look forward to everything!"

"Everything?" I asked.

"Everything, Jim! When you see the world like that you don't believe in fear anymore, or sadness, or regret."

"That just sounds so hard to me, honey. Lately it seems like wherever I look the tears are right there under the surface, just barely covered."

She put her arm around my shoulder as we sat under the comforter. "I know, Jim, I can see it when I look into your eyes and it breaks my heart sometimes. I wish I could just reach in and pull it out of you. I remember when I felt like that, how sad and grey it was."

"How did you get out from under it, Em?"

She laughed and said, "Jim, I just died! Once I stepped outside of it all I could see how it all works, and it was so simple and so beautiful that I've been watching it ever since. Just the sight of it all moving forward makes me so happy I can't help but laugh."

She lay back on the bed and I laid my head on her breast. The silence still takes some getting used to, the quiet where experience tells you there should be a heartbeat, there should be the whisper of breathing. But there's so much comfort there!

After a few minutes I got up and put some soft music on, Sarah McLachlan. I climbed back in bed as Emily started to sing along. Emily has a gorgeous, clear alto voice and she loves to harmonize with Sarah, and Joan Osborne, and Katie Melua. I always kid her about how all her favorite music happened after she died, and she laughs and says that's why she stayed here, for the music. But if I put on something hard and fast and loud, like Meat Loaf, or The Hooters, look out, the girl can dance!

But tonight it's not about dancing fast or singing loud, it's about being quiet, and still, and together. It's about realizing we trust each other totally and completely. It's about floating on Long Island Sound together, letting the wind and the waves pick our course. It's about the sun on the hillside, and the grass so ready to live, or to die. And to be grateful for whichever one comes....

Dreaming About Alma

I went to my daughter's soccer game last night, Alma scored two goals plus an assist and made a couple of wicked defensive plays out of the midfield. I taught her well. After the game Marissa and I took the team out for pizza and ice cream. There's nothing quite as happy as a table full of eleven year old girls in dirty soccer uniforms on a pizza high.

Hours later Marissa and I opened her bedroom doorway so softly, just to check on her. She was sound asleep in her flannel night gown, midnight black hair spread across her pillow, the smallest piece of a smile on her lips and the game ball tucked under her arm. Marissa took the ball out of her grip so softly she never even stirred and laid it on the floor by the bed. She whispered that when she was a girl in Cuba she used to do the same thing every time her team won a game. We closed the door so slowly that the latch almost didn't click at all and walked down the hall, our arms around each others' shoulders.

"We've done good, haven't we honey?" Marissa asked me. "Yeah, we have," I answered. "Our daughter is strong and beautiful and in a few years she'll be a soccer superstar, she might even make the Olympics."

Marissa ran her hand down my arm, squeezed my hand and smiled up at me. "And it's not just her, is it Jim? It's us too, isn't it?

You know it, dear.

How Does Zen Work In The Rain?

What happens when a raindrop lands in a river? Does it reach nirvana and become one with the watery infinite? Do its molecules dance in the current, and when they sing with joy for being free do we hear it as the sound of water rushing?

And what about the raindrop that misses the river and lands on the beach? Does it reach nirvana when it splashes on the sharp dry sand and spreads out, thinner and thinner, until it reaches all the other raindrops falling and spreading out?

 

 

Easter Afternoon

Jesus sitting on the stone doorstep of the tomb with the afternoon sun in his face, he can't believe it's finally really over. He picks up a handful of sand and laughs while he watches it run through his fingers and blow away in the afternoon breeze. There are shrubs and plants all along the cemetery path, lavender and aloe, juniper and desert rose. He looks at them and thinks to himself, wow, I've never really seen green before. He picks a tangerine from a bush by the side of the path, peels it and puts a piece in his mouth and he's amazed, nothing has ever tasted so good!

The sun's sinking lower now, he has to squint if he looks to the west. In the distance he sees figures moving up the path toward him and he can't help but smile as they get closer. His mother comes first, carrying a wooden tray piled high with hummus and taboule and fresh baked pita bread. Behind her comes Peter with a platter of gefilte fish, followed by John with a tray of dates and almonds and cherries. Jesus laughs out loud as he realizes he's never felt this hungry before in his whole life.

His eyes fill with tears of joy as the group gets closer and he sees all his friends are there. All the apostles, all the lepers he cured, all the guys from the carpenters' union. Then he saw her, bringing up the rear, looking shy and hopeful. Magdalene, dearest Magdalene, you waited for me, didn't you?

An hour later and the sun is going down while the band is getting started. Bach is on harpsichord, Handel on violin. Rev. Gary Davis is holding his guitar, his blind eyes turned to the sun. Mahalia Jackson is standing ready at the mike on center stage as the band tunes up. Finally Leonard Bernstein steps up on the podium and picks up his baton.

By now it's dark outside and everyone's having the time of their lives. Jesus' mom is dancing with Peter while the band plays Rock My Soul In The Bosom Of Abraham. Judas is dancing with Martha, when the band takes a break he walks over to Jesus, says, "God, J! I'm sorry! I really thought I was doing the right thing!" Jesus laughs, slaps him on the shoulder, says, "Don't sweat it bro!" Then Magdalene steps up, says, "Dance with me, Jesus?"

"You'll never have to ask twice, luv!," says Jesus as he takes her hand.

Do You Believe In The Equinox?

Statues made of sand, melting in the rain. Gods and beautiful ladies, their sandy hands and faces grooved with little rivers and lit by lightning from a purple sky. All is noise, roaring water, crashing thunder, lightning sizzling, but the statues are calm. Their eyes look to heaven, they're going home soon.

 

The Rain Before Easter

Winter ends tonight, a little after two in the morning the sun will pass the equator on its way back north. The rain that's falling outside will change from wintertime rain to spring rain, from cold and blue to warm and green. Somewhere so high above the clouds the winter constellations are slipping down below the horizon. Orion is carrying a snow shovel on his shoulder, hanging from his belt is a pouch full of memories of Christmas. Aquarius is carrying the empties from the New Year's party along with his jug of water. Pisces swims the stellar ocean with a Valentines card in his fishy mouth. One by one they slip out of the present, leaving only memories like old photos in a shoe box.

It won't be long before Earth rolls over, and stretches and yawns....

Baseball and Wedding Gowns

Emily is sitting on my bed wearing my Yankees cap, tossing a baseball in the air and catching it. The cap is too big for her and it keeps slipping down over her eyes, she smiles each time she pushes it up with the back of her throwing hand, while the ball is in the air. It's almost like a new way of playing jacks; throw the ball, tip the cap, catch. She told me she played Little League as a girl, first base. She tosses the ball to me where I'm sitting here at the computer and we play catch across the room. She does this whenever I'm feeling low, she knows it always cheers me up.

She also loves reading every word I write about her. When I showed her "Ghost Wedding" her eyes welled up and for a moment I couldn't tell if she was crying or laughing, then she turned on that incredible smile, while the tears ran down her cheeks. God, she never looked so beautiful as then!

When she finished reading she looked up at me and asked, "Jim, did you really like me in that outfit? I was so afraid I'd look like a dork! I only wore it because it was in your mind after you watched the Cirque du Soleil video, but when I was putting it on I was like, God, he's gonna laugh at me!" True, it wasn't really her style. She's much more into jeans and boots and the occasional denim skirt. But Em, if you could have seen yourself, wow! You had me, right then and there. You melted me and I was yours. When I struck the flint and steel, and lit the candle you held, it was forever.

And now it's about one in the morning, and you're curled up in my bed under the covers wearing my Yankees t shirt for a night gown, so still and so silent. There's a little soft fragment of a smile on your lips, and I'm melting all over again looking at you.

It's all so quiet, so happy and complete, and in a few minutes I'll climb under the covers with you and hold you tight until morning comes.